Generation X Divorce

I’ve noticed that almost every potential client who is seeking a divorce from my office is a Generation X (those born between 1965 and 1980) couple. Why is Gen X getting divorced at an unprecedented rate? I have some thoughts…

I’ve been mediating divorces for over 25 years. I am a data nerd. I like to take data to help me see trends and address those trends. And I’ve noticed an alarming trend for Gen X couples who are getting a divorce.

Not all women are angels and not all men are heroes. Regardless of gender, most people who are getting a divorce are broken by their marriage. No one gender is to blame for the rise in Gen X divorce. 

Side note: 99% of my couples are hetrosexual, so this blog presumes heterosexual couples. Couples also get divorced for a variety of reasons than detailed by this blog. Wives have affairs. So, do husbands. Husbands spend like drunken sailors. So, do wives. This blog’s perspective is about the typical Gen X divorce. 

Gen X is getting divorced at an alarming rate and the stories I hear are cookie cutter. So cookie cutter, in fact, that I can tell them their story before I’ve even heard it. I can’t tell you how many times I have said after hearing an ounce of their story, “I don’t know you. I don’t know your story. And, I could be totally wrong here. Is it true that….” Every time, the person audibly gasps and says, “How did you know? That’s me?!”

Yesterday, I was conducting a consultation with a woman who was 52-years-old. Smack dab in the middle of Gen X. She began her divorce story as most Gen X women do. She’s been trying for two decades to make this marriage work. She’s told her husband since around the 10th year of marriage, again and again and again, that she needs change or she’s leaving. She said she doesn’t want to leave, but she needs change.

The husband changed for either 3 days, 3 weeks, or 3 months (it’s weird that it always comes in threes). And then… things went back to “normal,” a normal she can no longer tolerate. 

She’s now at year 20+ and doesn’t want to die in this marriage. She’s so unhappy that she would rather be penniless than experience one more day of this unhappiness as she enters her final years.

She also loves her husband and doesn’t want anything bad to happen to him.

The reasons why she is getting divorce are varied among the potential clients. Some are in a sexless marriage. Some are working full-time and doing 90% of the domestic labor. Some are not working, doing 100% of the domestic labor, 100% of the emotional labor, and their husband is a functioning alcoholic (it’s rarely drugs or marijuana, but alcohol is top tier for these situations). And some, the ones who are “DONE!” (that’s how they say it to me), are most of the above.

Then, the husband calls me. He genuinely doesn’t know why they are getting a divorce and he wants to save his marriage. He’s even offering to participate in couples therapy. He loves his wife and their way of life. I also want to save their marriage, if that is possible. I offer to talk to his wife for him. I call-up the wife, talk to her about his offer to attend couples counseling, and to advise her that he doesn’t know why he’s getting a divorce. 

Guess what the wife tells me every time? “Oh, he knows why we are getting a divorce.” Every flipping time. 

She then proceeds to tell me the reasons she is asking for a divorce, and that couples therapy was possible ten years ago when she begged for it, but not now because, “That ship has sailed. I am DONE.”  (again, that’s just how they say it to me).

I then shuttle back the bad news to the husband. I tell him what she’s said. Guess what the husband says to me (again) every time, “Well, she did tell me that,” which is followed by him saying, “I mean, I can’t blame her.” So, he knows why they are getting a divorce, but why the disconnect?

Remember that three days, three weeks, three months cycle the wife mentioned? The wife’s part in the typical Gen X divorce is that she taught her husband that she’ll stay, even when he doesn’t change. So, when the husbands tell me they have no idea why they are getting a divorce, it’s because no one told them that this time, she meant it.

The husbands’ part in the Gen X divorce is that his wife told him, and told him, and told him, that the marital expectations where she carries the weight of the marriage are breaking her, and he didn’t listen. He changed for three days, three weeks, or three months, and then reverted back to “normal” because it was easier on him. What he failed to understand is that “normal” was harder on her, and it was breaking her.

About 80% of divorces are initiated by women (hence the heavy focus of this blog on the wife’s perspective). That doesn’t mean that 100% of the divorces initiated by women are women who want to be divorced. Nope. 

Wives tell me that they don’t want to be divorced, but that their marriages are killing them. That means they want to stay married, but they need genuine change. 

The disconnect is that their husbands want the marriage expectations to stay the same so badly (because it works in the husbands’ favor), that they would rather risk getting a divorce than change their behavior.

The husbands end-up feeling that they were used for their paycheck. They tell me, “I am getting thrown away now that she doesn’t need my paycheck. My paycheck was good enough for her for all those years, but now that the house is almost paid-off and we are about to retire, she wants half of everything and wants to throw me away.” 

When sharing this mindset, the husbands seem to miss that they needed to give more to the marriage than just a paycheck. She did, and she asked and begged for the same effort. 

What about those 20% of Gen X men who initiate the divorce? Their stories are intertwined with the wives’ story. Gen X husbands who call me first typically tell me that they are in a sexless marriage and they can’t do it anymore. They tell me that they keep begging for sex and are lucky if they get to have sex with their wife once or twice a year. 

After mediating divorces for over 25 years, I can tell you that it is rare that anyone wants to be in a sexless marriage, regardless of gender. There are a few women who are happy to be in a sexless marriage, and an even smaller percentage of men who are happy to be in a sexless marriage. Sex is a very important part of a healthy marriage, and thus, the husbands who are initiating a divorce due to lack of intimacy have a legitimate gripe. Full stop. 

When the husbands call me first, and they report they are in a sexless marriage, the next phone call to the wife is also predictable and cookie cutter.

The wives tell me that they are not interested in having sex with their husbands because their husbands aren’t listening to them, they aren’t prioritizing them, and they aren’t helping out. The wives become uninterested in sex… with their husbands. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to have sex. It just means they don’t want to have sex with a man who is slowly killing them with unbalanced marital expectations. 

As you can see, most Gen X divorces come full circle. Both genders have legitimate complaints. No one gender is innocent. So, why?

I postulate that Gen X were culturalized to expect the same marriage as their boomer parents, but with a few upgrades. Gen X grew-up in the 80’s where both boys and girls were taught that girls are equal to boys and therefore should work, too. Gen X men were pretty great about seeing women as equals in the workforce. 

The Gen X women did most of the housework, most of the child rearing, etc. in their marriage. Notice that I said, most, not all. The= wives did this because they wanted to give to their marriage, and that was what their boomer parents modeled for them. 

But, it created a scenario where Gen X women were working full-time (or almost full-time) and doing 90% of the domestic work, too. This unrealistic expectation began killing them. They began asking and begging their husbands to change. Change happened for three days, three weeks, three months, and then returned to “normal.” Women were breaking while they were begging their husbands for change and no material change happened. Then, the sex fell off the map. This is when the husbands notice they are unhappy, too.

After twenty years of their wives demanding change, but not following-through with the threat of divorce, what reason did the husbands have for changing? The marriage worked for the husbands and they were taught by our culture that she was “acting up” and things would get back to normal, you guessed it, in three days, three weeks, or three months. They were taught to just put their heads down and to ride it out. 

So, you can see how both sexes are to blame for this dramatic rise in Gen X divorce. Everyone wants to solely blame the husbands, but it isn’t solely their fault. Our culture taught them to behave this way. Gen X wives have a role to play here, too. They threatened divorce and didn’t follow-through… until they did. 

She’s to blame for creating a situation where he believed she would, on occasion, yell at him until things went back to normal.

He’s to blame for not changing and presuming that his paycheck was enough of a contribution to the marriage.

The real questions are why did Gen X husbands refuse to change through two decades of begging by their wives and why Gen X wives did not leave earlier? I feel like these questions are for someone above my pay-grade and, I suspect, the answers are quite nuanced for each marriage. 

Divorce isn’t a decision anyone makes lightly. For Gen X, it often comes after decades of dissatisfaction and repeated attempts to fix the marriage. While cultural and personal factors play a role, mediation can help couples part ways amicably, preserving their dignity and paving the way for a fresh start.

No one wants to get a divorce, but if you find yourself needing a divorce, please consider divorce mediation. Divorce without drama is possible.  

Julie Gentili, has been mediating divorces for over 25 years. She’s a seasoned attorney-mediator, has seen firsthand how mediation transforms messy divorces into amicable resolutions. Her clients often leave the process feeling respected, heard, and ready to move forward gracefully.

Learn more about mediation costs here.

1. Why is divorce more common among Gen X couples?

Gen X couples grew up with conflicting expectations—modern gender roles layered on top of traditional ones. This mismatch often creates unbalanced dynamics that lead to dissatisfaction over time.

2. How can mediation help in a divorce?

Mediation focuses on open communication and equitable solutions, avoiding the adversarial nature of litigation and creating a smoother process for both parties.

3. What are the common reasons Gen X women initiate divorce?

Common reasons include uneven labor distribution, unresolved emotional neglect, and sexless marriages. Women often leave when they feel the marriage is affecting their health or happiness.

4. Are Gen X men initiating divorces too?

Yes, though less frequently. Men typically cite reasons like sexless marriages but often fail to see their role in the relationship’s breakdown until it’s too late.

5. What is Julie Gentili’s approach to divorce mediation?

Julie focuses on transforming messy divorces into respectful resolutions. Her process ensures both parties feel heard and helps them move forward gracefully.