Divorce is never easy, even if it is an amicable divorce. For couples in Oregon who need a divorce without creating escalating conflict or spending a fortune on legal fees, divorce mediation is a path to a fair divorce. **How to pick a divorce mediator in Oregon** is an important question. The right divorce mediator can help you navigate this challenging time with respect, patience, and understanding.
Picking the right divorce mediator will help you maintain your sanity during one of the most difficult times in your life. Picking the wrong divorce mediator can cost you a lot of money, your precious time, and will have you crying in your Starbucks.
With over twenty-five years of experience helping couples achieve peace through divorce mediation, I’ve seen firsthand how choosing the right professional can make a significant difference in the process. In this article, I’ll guide you through the essential factors to consider when selecting a divorce mediator in Oregon.
1. Understanding Divorce Mediation in Oregon
Divorce mediation in Oregon is an alternative to the adversarial process of each party hiring an attorney. When mediating a divorce, both parties sit down with a neutral third party (aka the mediator) to discuss their needs and come to a mutual agreement. A divorce mediator does not take sides, but, instead, helps facilitate discussions, guiding you toward a fair and legally binding outcome.
In Oregon, there are no licensing requirements to call oneself a “divorce mediator,” which means anyone can hang a shingle or post a website and call themselves a divorce mediator. Just because you see a website, doesn’t mean they have any clue what they are doing.
Some divorce mediators are former counselors or former pastors, which initially sounds fantastic because they won’t put gasoline on the fire. Some are “certified divorce mediators,” which simply means they paid a company to give them the title, “certified divorce mediators.” I place all of these mediators in the ‘non-attorney’ category.
Having talked to many non-attorney divorce mediators, it is clear to me that they are certain that they are qualified to handle your divorce. I have yet to be impressed with their knowledge or skill set. They still don’t know enough to be competent and helpful. Many are lovely individuals who will keep things calm, but can they get you divorced? Frankly, I have experienced too many non-attorney mediators give advice that was flat-out wrong or harmful.
The gold standard is an attorney-mediator. Why? Glad you asked. There are two reasons why you want an attorney-mediator as your divorce mediator.
First, attorneys are licensed to practice law in Oregon. That doesn’t mean every attorney who mediates is amazing, but it ensures they know how to file a petition of dissolution at court.
Second, attorneys are required, by law, to carry malpractice insurance. That means that if an attorney-mediator messes-up your divorce, you can be compensated for that mistake through insurance. There is no requirement that a non-attorney mediator carry any insurance, and why would there be? There isn’t even a requirement that they are licensed!
The first step in picking a divorce mediator in Oregon is to pick an attorney-mediator.
2. Experience Matters: Look for a Specialized Divorce Mediator
Experience is one of the most critical factors in choosing a divorce mediator. When picking a divorce mediator, you want to pick someone who has experienced your situation’s complexities and, therefore, has practical solutions for your situation. The last thing you want is someone learning as they go… on your dime.
Not only should a divorce mediator specialize in divorce mediation, but they should not also litigate divorces. What does that mean? Litigation means hiring an attorney and going to court. Why does that matter?
Divorce mediation is an art. Helping two people with very different definitions of fair to reach settlement is an art. Litigation, i.e. examining and cross-examining witnesses at trial, is also an art. And..
The art of mediation is very different from the art of litigation. Getting people to settle in a way where they both feel it is fair is 180 degrees different from advocating for one side to get the best deal. They don’t mix. So, if your divorce mediator is also litigating cases, I can assure you they are still in a litigation mindset, and not a divorce mediator mindset.
If your divorce mediator routinely litigates and advocates for the best deal for one party, how in the world will they truly manage two different parties with two different ideas on how to settle. The answer is, they suck at it and have an extremely low success rate.
The second step in picking a divorce mediator in Oregon is to pick an attorney-mediator who only mediates and does not also litigate.
3. Ensure Your Mediator Prioritizes Impartiality and Empathy
Divorce can bring up strong emotions, and you’ll want a mediator who understands the delicate nature of these conversations. Mediators need to remain impartial, even in high-stakes, emotionally charged situations, and should create a safe environment where both parties feel comfortable expressing themselves.
Choosing a mediator who is empathetic and experienced in handling emotionally sensitive cases can help make the process less stressful. During your initial consultation, observe how they respond to you and your partner. Do they make both of you feel seen and respected? The emotional sensitivity of the mediator can have a huge impact on your experience and the final agreement.
The third step in picking a divorce mediator in Oregon is to select an attorney-mediator who makes you feel heard.
4. Assess Communication and Problem-Solving Skills
A great divorce mediator needs to be able to listen actively, clarify misunderstandings, and articulate complex legal ideas in simple terms. A strong mediator will help bridge gaps in understanding, allowing you and your spouse to reach mutually agreeable solutions.
You don’t want your divorce mediator to hold your hands and sing kumbaya. Pick a divorce mediator who makes you feel heard, but also keeps you on track and reality checks you (and your spouse) when needed.
The fourth step in picking a divorce mediator in Oregon is pick a divorce mediator who hits the sweet spot of divorce knowledge, empathy, and who has a track record of guiding people to practical and fair solutions that work for their situation.
5. Discuss Fees and Payment Structure
Divorce mediation is typically more cost-effective than litigation, but costs can still vary significantly. Some divorce mediators charge by the hour, while others, such as Mediation Northwest, offer flat fee packages.
Some mediators ask for a retainer. A retainer is a sum of money, let’s say it’s a $5,000 retainer, that the mediator bills at their hourly rate against the retainer. For instance, if the mediator charges $400 per hour, the retainer will last for about 12 hours. Then, you need to deposit more money with the mediator to replenish the retainer.
It doesn’t matter how much the retainer is. It matters how much the mediator (or the attorney) is going to charge per hour and how many hours it takes to get divorced from beginning to end.
I’ve noticed many attorneys and mediators use the retainer as a bait and switch. They say, “Just put down a $5,000 retainer and we’ll try to keep the costs down.” You then put down the money and cross your fingers and pray. The problem is everything gets billed in the hourly model. Every email, every phone call, every staff meeting, everything… and if you are using a mediator, then it’s times two for each party’s email, etc. Cha ching.
Flat fees, on the other hand, help the client know how much a divorce will cost from beginning to end. But you get what you pay for, too.
If a non-attorney mediator’s super low flat fee seems too good to be true, keep in mind: (1) non-attorney mediators don’t know what they don’t know, and (2) it isn’t a deal if your agreement isn’t legal or if you have to hire another mediator or attorney to finish the job they couldn’t get done.
Don’t forget to ask if the mediator’s fees cover the court filing fees, QDRO fees, re-deeding fees. Does the mediator file everything for court for you or do you need to hire an attorney to shepard everything through court, and if so, what does that cost?
The fifth step in picking a divorce mediator is to fully understand their fee structure. If you don’t understand it, keep asking questions.
6. Look for a Mediator Who Encourages Fairness and Legal Finality
Ultimately, your goal is to reach a fair, legally binding agreement. A skilled divorce mediator will guide you through discussions to reach a solution that holds up in court and is respected by both parties. This requires a mediator who prioritizes fairness over expediency and who has a thorough understanding of Oregon’s divorce laws.
Ask potential mediators about whether they provide documentation that meets Oregon’s legal requirements and if they file everything at court for you.
The final step in picking a divorce mediator in Oregon is to pick a divorce mediator who understands the legal landscape thereby ensuring your agreement is legal and fair, without breaking the piggy bank.
Need Help?
Julie Gentili has been mediating divorces for 25 years. She takes the drama out of divorce through mediation. Divorce is messy and difficult. Julie’s job is to hold your hand and navigate you through the fiery pits of hell, point-out the crevices to avoid, and guide you until we reach the light on the other side. If you’d like to schedule a consultation with Julie, please book a consult below.
So, there you have it—the ins and outs of post-marital agreements in Oregon. Whether you’re in the early stages of marriage or have been hitched for a while, considering a post-marital agreement can provide you with peace of mind and financial clarity.
